A real letter, from this month's JEST magazine.
Dear Sir, Madam, or other:
Thanks for the heads up on raising the already usurious rate of interest on my credit card to 27.99%. What an incredible number.
Granted, I have no one to blame for my current predicament but myself. I had the opportunity to keep my interest rate at 0% for a while, but I missed a payment because I had no money, which is why I had too much credit card debt in the first place. There are a number of other ways I could have obtained this money, but I chose to male a deal with the white devil. By the way, that's you. Incidentally, I have no idea if you are white or not. I am, although I do enjoy the rap music.
Completely beside the point.
Anyway, I got the notice you send me today. You know the one I'm taking about? It's entitled, "Important notice for [bank name blacked out] Credit Cardmember Agreement."
I think you could have given it a catchier name, like "Hey Cardmember, Fuck You!" or, "Hey Debtor, Bend Over and Take It Like a Poor Man!"
I reject your terms. In accordance with the requirements you have set forth to enable me to do that, I have cut up my card. I won't use it anymore, and I will, as soon as possible, pay off or transfer my full debt load. I don't care if I have to suck dick seven nights a week and twice on Sundays. You people are criminals and vampires, and I despise you with every poverty-stricken fiber of my being. You won't get another dime from me.
If I knew exactly where you were and how to get in, and I could afford to make the trip (which, lucky for you, I can't), I would visit your office, climb up on your desk and take a dump. Additionally, I hope that as you go to sleep tonight you realize that it is because of your conscienceless strong-arm tactics that capitalism has a bad name.
You could have had a nice fat 15 or even 20%. Instead you'll have nothing. Thank you for your time, you piece of shit.
Eat me.
Sean Conroy
PS: While you and you cubicle buddies are giggling about the insane vitriol contained in this letter, please do me the honor of picturing me fucking your mother.
Sean, I salute you!
12:18 PM
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