The Real Dracula
By William Lessard
1.
Dracula was always
Such a bunch of bullshit
To me.
The groovy castle.
And all the young pussy.
And the whole turning into a bat thing –
What fucking crap.
The Real Dracula wouldn’t be like that.
He wouldn’t be like that at all.
No castle.
No young pussy.
No flying around the city
In a slick-ass cape.
The Real Dracula would be a schmuck
Stuck in the same old job,
Doing the same old shit
With the same old wife
For centuries at a time.
“You fucking bitch!
I forgot your birthday 200 years ago.
When the fuck are you gonna
Stop busting my balls
About it?”
“Oh yeah? Well, I’ve been dealing
With your insensitivity issues
For 400 years now.
When are ever going to grow up?
And when are you going to learn
To put down the goddamn toilet seat?”
For the Real Dracula, there would also be
Other problems, such as paying bills and taxes
For ever and ever.
And let us not forget
Eternally rising consumer prices.
“Christ, I paid 500 bucks
For a pack of gum today.
500 bucks!
I remember when a pack
Only cost 200!”
“Aw, why don’t you stop complaining
And get your ass out of
The coffin for a change?
Why don’t you go kill somebody
Or at least rob
A blood-bank?
A girl’s gotta feed, you know.
Oh, and while you’re out,
Make sure to lose the cape.”
“This cape?
This is my lucky cape!
I’m not getting rid of it.”
“Oh, please.
You’ve had that smelly
Old thing for 500 years.
It’s covered in gore!
Why don’t you let me
Buy you a new one?”
“Are you fucking kidding me?
We can’t afford a new cape.
I haven’t had a raise
Since those young kids
Took over the company.
Fuckin’ 150-year-old assholes --
They think they know everything!”
2.
The Real Dracula knows
It’s all bullshit.
He’s up to his pointy ears
In centuries of it.
But what I want
To know is
Why you think
It would be any different
For you?
Botox.
Plastic surgery.
Watching what you eat –
What the fuck for?
It’s no sin being old.
It’s just stupid
To want to extend
The Madness
To unnatural lengths.
They had this 110-year-old
Woman on the news
The other day.
Between scoops
Of apple sauce
They asked her the secret
Of her longevity.
Her response?
Don’t eat meat.
Never drink or smoke.
And always
Go to bed at 9 o’clock
Every night.
Oh, yeah.
That sounds like fun.
The perfect recipe
For perpetual boredom.
I’m going out
Of this motherfucker
Old and ugly
And happy as hell.
If you want to be Dracula,
That’s up to you.
But I prefer to live now,
Not when I’m dead,
Or the living-dead,
Or whatever it’s called
When you start wearing
White shoes
And sky-blue slacks.
12:47 AM
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