Sell the Ranch.
That's right, sell your ranch in Texas, and donate the money to the victims of this horrible tragedy. I realize you love your ranch; you've spent almost a year of your presidency there, doing important things like clearing brush, eating pretzels, and taking naps. But that's exactly why you need to sell it. So many people have lost their homes; the least you can do is give up ownership of one of your many residences for their benefit to show that you have some trace of compassion. Think of it as a symbolic gesture that you're finally ready to stop running away from the responsibilities of the Oval office, and you're ready to meet head-on the full duties of the highest office in the land.
4:27 AM